Here are 10 things I like about winter, in no particular order, to fight my bitter hatred of winter:

1)When the snow is fresh and I step on it, it feels and sounds like I'm walking on styrofoam.

2) From the inside looking out, it is beautiful like a Christmas card.

3) My Mom loves to buy me sweaters, and she is really good at picking them out too, I get to wear them in the winter.

4) It is the season of Peppermint Mochas.

5) Chili tastes better in the winter.

6)I really like the "Baby its cold outside" song, the original AND the Elf version.

7) Its acceptable to be pale.

8) People are more giving in winter, and not just for Christmas. Something about the awfulness of the cold, makes people feel more for those in need.

9) There are less photo opportunities in the winter, but somehow most winter pictures turn out beautiful.

10) The Chaos of the intersection is so much higher in the winter. Kids can't go outside, fundraisers, homework, and crankyness due to the weather all makes the day nuts... but go by so quickly. At the end of the day, I love feeling like I labored with the kids and they labored with me. If makes it feel more like a family.

Hold me accountable to being less bitter this winter friends!

Interesting...

My last post was last February, when I was fasting from Keith... interesting.

We broke up. Its been a little over two months. I wish I could hate him, but I don't.

I don't know why I'm choosing to write this, but I felt pushed to put it out there. Its from my journal, its a little emo, so please forgive me.

My heart is in a million pieces.

God will glue it back together, there is nothing more that my own hands can do. I feel like my mind is held captive by my own thoughts, thoughts of sadness and low self worth, thoughts of loneliness and thoughts of wasted time. I want God to take these thoughts captive, to free this prisoner of the ultimate war. I know He will. I know that His grace is sufficient, and that His love is excessive. I know that His eyes see every dark cell in my heart, and that His lips speak truth to the wisps of my soul that I have given over to Him. I pray that He will take the rest. That He will free the rest of my heart,soul, and mind from the weak grasp of my own sore white knuckles. I know that my lust for control and my own wicked will, will not prevail.

I praise Him for His will. For the arms He uses to comfort and console me; For the fingers that He uses to stretch every ounce of my being. Only He can sustain me. Only He can show me how to truly see. Yet somehow He looks upon me and sees righteousness. Somehow He looks upon me and sees beauty. I don't understand it Lord, not even close. But I'll take it.

Day 2, Please forgive me.

I have been reading the bible, but as far as posting on it, for some reason I just haven't. I'm sorry to anyone who has been waiting for it, if you have. I'm sure its not really a burden, but I feel like I should apologize for not keeping my word.

Today is day 2 of a 2 week fast from my boyfriend. We are choosing to spend the next 2 weeks away from each other. The truth is, my heart has been breaking for a long time. I'm more committed to Keith then he is to me, and it hurts. I needed a rest. He needed a rest. Now I am trying to not let my self consciousness get to me. Its only day 2 and I already miss him. It made me realize though that he is the only person in my life who is consistent, besides my roomies. But lets face it my three beautiful room mates are all leaving next year. They are the three people, other then Keith, that I have really done life with for the last 3 years of my life. There used to be more girls around me, but slowly they just fell away, not completely and not in any hurtful or dramatic manner. It was more of a slow fade that just can not be helped sometimes.

Yesterday, Lever and I reconnected. A much needed reconnection, full of honesty and crying. This sister of mine is beautiful, and I missed her. I missed the blatant honesty that began our friendship. I missed being able to say anything. Since I have been so immersed in Christian culture and have been around people that I really do have to be careful about what I say, a part of me had been gagged and thrown into basement of my heart, a dark eerie place where no one but God and the Devil ever try to go. God knew what I needed yesterday. I needed the friendship Liz and I used to have. I needed her to share her heart, and I needed to share mine. It was beautiful. I have been a bad friend to her, and she loves me anyway. Like Christ does. I missed her, and I am really glad to have her back.

Today I started praying for an older women in my life, a purposeful women who could mentor me and be consistent in my life. My head got in the way. Putting God in a box. Trying to limit what he can do. How silly am I. I was sure that all the women at the rock were too busy. There are only so many older women, and there a lot of girls fighting for their attention. I was not going to fight. I felt like I would be a burden and I would be stealing time that could be used for girls with real problems.

SO with these prayers, I figured it would require patience, and it would definitely have to be someone that did not go to the rock. It might have to be someone that I would not really relate to at first, maybe someone I did not know yet. And I would have to seek them out. I was willing, although not excited about this idea.

I had made plans to hang out with Aimee yesterday, her being one of the women from the rock that I wrote off as not having enough time. Aimee has been a very loyal friend to me, and in the time we do get together I always feel safe with her. But our times together for the last year or so have been so far apart. She is someone that I really look up to, someone who I have felt really loved by. I missed her.

Today at Panera we set up a time for us to hang out weekly. She wanted to hang out with me. She offered. She assured me that she wanted to, and that she needed it as much as I do.

I am so humbled. I would have sworn to anyone that there just wasn't enough time for her to meet with me every week. But God made it happen. Hopefully God will use me to help her too. As soon as Aimee left, I thought, "God... thank you... I was not looking forward to having to be patient again."

Its funny, in the absence of Keith, I don't want what I thought I would. I thought I would want attention from boys, someone to tell me I'm beautiful, someone to give me a strong hug. But I'm not the girl I once was. My heart is changing. God is molding it. My desire is to be with people who will make me closer to God. Right now, that is the desire for relationships with other women. And just like that, God knew. I'm excited for the next weeks. I still miss Keith. My heart still feels broken. But today God gave me a little glimpse of the growth He has planned for my heart. A little glimpse that was, of course, the exact amount of joy I needed to feel joyful again.

I'm exhausted... but joyful... finally! : )

Genesis 1-3

So I said I would start on the 14^th, but it just didn’t happen. I’m sorry to anyone who might have been reading this.

I’m starting off in the very beginning. In Genesis 1 through 3, where Moses lays out how the earth was made and how the word worldly got its meaning. There is so much controversy tied into these chapters. They are beautifully written to make people wonder exactly how God did it all. The first chapter lays out creation in 7 days, well 6… and day 7 He rests. On the 6^th day He created man. “ So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:27. But in Chapter 2 Moses expands further on the creation of man and it was not until after Adam had named all the animals, which if you think about it could have taken thousands if not millions of years, that God took Adams rib and made women. It seems pretty obvious that the week, was an analogy. Could my God have made the earth in 7 days? I whole heartedly believe that he could do it in a millisecond if he wanted to. But how much beauty is gained by allowing the world to grow? How many analogies and metaphors do people find in nature? Analogies and metaphors that make things clear, or that help them understand their lives or God or other people better? How much gratification or humility does God provide through nature every day? It seems that even the people He chose to write His story cannot define God’s time. To me it is not a question of whether God created the world in 7 days or a billion years, partially because I know what I believe about this issue. But what is the important message here? God created a world, a beautiful world, that he gave to man. Man, meaning man-kind which includes males and females, messed up by betraying God. Was it actually fruit? I have no idea, I doubt it, but quite honestly I don’t trust anyone who claims to know this for sure. But the message here is that we screwed up and the world is a horrible place because of it. The only person who can help, is Jesus. He has helped so many in the passed and will in the end redeem the world His Father created.

Questions, that are less important then that message but I’m still curious about?

It was not until after the fall that men were told to rule over women, would Jesus coming back and redeeming those sins and forgiving those sins not take us back to a place where women can allow God to rule them directly instead of through their husbands or pastors? Why is this still used as an attack against women in ministry, when Christ’s redemption is made so clear in the new testement?

Was Adam right next Eve or not when she “took the apple”? And if men are inherently protectors and leaders why did he not protect Eve from satan’s deception?

I don’t think anyone is actually reading this, but in case you are, I am sorry again for taking longer then expected to post. Hopefully I will be posting at least 3 times a week from now on. Comment honestly and lovingly!

Love, Lis

Oh Hello!

So I started a secret blog that I’m pretty sure no one read. I just erased it. I decided there was no point in having a blog to hide behind. I decided if I were going to have a blog, there would be a purpose, something that I wanted to share with people who know who I am.

I have been praying about going into ministry… specifically about whether I want to be a pastor, which also led me to pray about how I feel about women’s roles period. The Christians I have sought advice from have told me everything from “I would never go to a church with a woman pastor, but I don’t have a problem with women being pastors,” to “women shouldn’t be pastors, because they are suppose to be under their husbands.” Both of these and everything in between the two statements are from people that I love and trust and yet my heart is not satisfied with these answers. I have not talked to anyone in person who has told me that I should go for it if that is what God has put on my heart. If I were to become a pastor or even start to take steps to do so, there is a very large possibility that I would feel quite lonely for a while, something that I have not really felt since coming to Christ but something that I have kind of feared.

Since I have really dived in to trying to evaluate myself, and whether this is my purpose or not, I have thought about how I feel about my role as a women. I have a friend who is pregnant, and she told me that her desire is to stay home with her children and not have to work. In my head I know that this is a beautiful gift that a mother wants to give her children. But my heart screams WHAT ABOUT ALL THE OTHERS? What about all the children who don’t have moms or dads, or often worse cases where kids DO have moms or dads who don’t love them or don’t take care them? What about all the adults who are still children or were never children because they were never nurtured or truly loved? What about all the people who are hurting because of other things? What about all the people who are hungry? Or who have incurable diseases and don’t know Christ? Just because I decided to bare a child, do all the others become less important? Are all the others now no longer in need?

I don’t think I could ever be a mom that stays home with her kids and makes them the center of her world. But being a Christian woman it is seen as the most Christian thing to do. Am I lacking some gene that has this instinct? Am I missing something? Thinking about all of these things made me wish I had been born a man. It made me feel like a man. But it only took me a little while to realize that I am nurturing, and that God has blessed me with a soft heart and overly active tear ducts, qualities that are generally not seen as manly but that I appreciate in men. J Having said all of this, I logically know that it is not wrong for a mom to stay home with her kids. These are simply my uneducated and raw thoughts on the matter.

As far as the pastor thing goes, I know a little. But I want to know more. I want to understand God better, and understand his work in me as a woman of Christ. Although the logical thing to do would be to look up the verses that apply to the topic, I have already done that. I have done research and found that every single one of them has interpretations that lead in a million different directions. Instead… I am starting at the beginning. Instead of looking only at the topic, I’m looking to learn more about God and his heart. Maybe then my answer will be more clear or maybe my trust will be more unwavering or maybe my spirit will be more submissive. I have no idea.

I am not entering into this under any delusion that I will be unbiased. I am not doing this to try to sound smart or holy. I do not guarantee any humor or incite or benefit. But it’s a journey that I want to share with whoever wants to be apart of it, or whoever is interested in reading about it.

This summer I tried to start a plan that would help me read the bible in a year. It didn’t work out. But I want to try again with the accountability of this blog. It may take longer then a year, but I want to read the whole bible. Its God’s word and I want to get to know him through it and I want to write about it. I want to have supplementary materials, and different points of view. I want to shape what I actually think, and mold my heart to whatever the heck it is that God wants me to do. I figured sharing it may do others some good, or it may just hold me accountable for the things I say or think. I want to be challenged.

Please know that I want to be honest about how I am feeling or what I am reading, but I do not think that this gives me an excuse to be purposefully hurtful. Call me out if you see me doing so, or I will probably be blind to my own stupidity.

I am going to start posting on January 14^th. I’d start posting sooner, but I am having my wisdom teeth taken out on the 4^th, so I’m giving myself a little cushion. The plan I have decided to use is from www.ewordtoday.com and it’s the one that goes chronologically. (The website says, “Read the bible as its events occurred in real time”)

Love, Lis

I'm LIS!

I'm Lis and I love blogging!!!

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