Oh Hello!

So I started a secret blog that I’m pretty sure no one read. I just erased it. I decided there was no point in having a blog to hide behind. I decided if I were going to have a blog, there would be a purpose, something that I wanted to share with people who know who I am.

I have been praying about going into ministry… specifically about whether I want to be a pastor, which also led me to pray about how I feel about women’s roles period. The Christians I have sought advice from have told me everything from “I would never go to a church with a woman pastor, but I don’t have a problem with women being pastors,” to “women shouldn’t be pastors, because they are suppose to be under their husbands.” Both of these and everything in between the two statements are from people that I love and trust and yet my heart is not satisfied with these answers. I have not talked to anyone in person who has told me that I should go for it if that is what God has put on my heart. If I were to become a pastor or even start to take steps to do so, there is a very large possibility that I would feel quite lonely for a while, something that I have not really felt since coming to Christ but something that I have kind of feared.

Since I have really dived in to trying to evaluate myself, and whether this is my purpose or not, I have thought about how I feel about my role as a women. I have a friend who is pregnant, and she told me that her desire is to stay home with her children and not have to work. In my head I know that this is a beautiful gift that a mother wants to give her children. But my heart screams WHAT ABOUT ALL THE OTHERS? What about all the children who don’t have moms or dads, or often worse cases where kids DO have moms or dads who don’t love them or don’t take care them? What about all the adults who are still children or were never children because they were never nurtured or truly loved? What about all the people who are hurting because of other things? What about all the people who are hungry? Or who have incurable diseases and don’t know Christ? Just because I decided to bare a child, do all the others become less important? Are all the others now no longer in need?

I don’t think I could ever be a mom that stays home with her kids and makes them the center of her world. But being a Christian woman it is seen as the most Christian thing to do. Am I lacking some gene that has this instinct? Am I missing something? Thinking about all of these things made me wish I had been born a man. It made me feel like a man. But it only took me a little while to realize that I am nurturing, and that God has blessed me with a soft heart and overly active tear ducts, qualities that are generally not seen as manly but that I appreciate in men. J Having said all of this, I logically know that it is not wrong for a mom to stay home with her kids. These are simply my uneducated and raw thoughts on the matter.

As far as the pastor thing goes, I know a little. But I want to know more. I want to understand God better, and understand his work in me as a woman of Christ. Although the logical thing to do would be to look up the verses that apply to the topic, I have already done that. I have done research and found that every single one of them has interpretations that lead in a million different directions. Instead… I am starting at the beginning. Instead of looking only at the topic, I’m looking to learn more about God and his heart. Maybe then my answer will be more clear or maybe my trust will be more unwavering or maybe my spirit will be more submissive. I have no idea.

I am not entering into this under any delusion that I will be unbiased. I am not doing this to try to sound smart or holy. I do not guarantee any humor or incite or benefit. But it’s a journey that I want to share with whoever wants to be apart of it, or whoever is interested in reading about it.

This summer I tried to start a plan that would help me read the bible in a year. It didn’t work out. But I want to try again with the accountability of this blog. It may take longer then a year, but I want to read the whole bible. Its God’s word and I want to get to know him through it and I want to write about it. I want to have supplementary materials, and different points of view. I want to shape what I actually think, and mold my heart to whatever the heck it is that God wants me to do. I figured sharing it may do others some good, or it may just hold me accountable for the things I say or think. I want to be challenged.

Please know that I want to be honest about how I am feeling or what I am reading, but I do not think that this gives me an excuse to be purposefully hurtful. Call me out if you see me doing so, or I will probably be blind to my own stupidity.

I am going to start posting on January 14^th. I’d start posting sooner, but I am having my wisdom teeth taken out on the 4^th, so I’m giving myself a little cushion. The plan I have decided to use is from www.ewordtoday.com and it’s the one that goes chronologically. (The website says, “Read the bible as its events occurred in real time”)

Love, Lis