Today is day 2 of a 2 week fast from my boyfriend. We are choosing to spend the next 2 weeks away from each other. The truth is, my heart has been breaking for a long time. I'm more committed to Keith then he is to me, and it hurts. I needed a rest. He needed a rest. Now I am trying to not let my self consciousness get to me. Its only day 2 and I already miss him. It made me realize though that he is the only person in my life who is consistent, besides my roomies. But lets face it my three beautiful room mates are all leaving next year. They are the three people, other then Keith, that I have really done life with for the last 3 years of my life. There used to be more girls around me, but slowly they just fell away, not completely and not in any hurtful or dramatic manner. It was more of a slow fade that just can not be helped sometimes.
Yesterday, Lever and I reconnected. A much needed reconnection, full of honesty and crying. This sister of mine is beautiful, and I missed her. I missed the blatant honesty that began our friendship. I missed being able to say anything. Since I have been so immersed in Christian culture and have been around people that I really do have to be careful about what I say, a part of me had been gagged and thrown into basement of my heart, a dark eerie place where no one but God and the Devil ever try to go. God knew what I needed yesterday. I needed the friendship Liz and I used to have. I needed her to share her heart, and I needed to share mine. It was beautiful. I have been a bad friend to her, and she loves me anyway. Like Christ does. I missed her, and I am really glad to have her back.
Today I started praying for an older women in my life, a purposeful women who could mentor me and be consistent in my life. My head got in the way. Putting God in a box. Trying to limit what he can do. How silly am I. I was sure that all the women at the rock were too busy. There are only so many older women, and there a lot of girls fighting for their attention. I was not going to fight. I felt like I would be a burden and I would be stealing time that could be used for girls with real problems.
SO with these prayers, I figured it would require patience, and it would definitely have to be someone that did not go to the rock. It might have to be someone that I would not really relate to at first, maybe someone I did not know yet. And I would have to seek them out. I was willing, although not excited about this idea.
I had made plans to hang out with Aimee yesterday, her being one of the women from the rock that I wrote off as not having enough time. Aimee has been a very loyal friend to me, and in the time we do get together I always feel safe with her. But our times together for the last year or so have been so far apart. She is someone that I really look up to, someone who I have felt really loved by. I missed her.
Today at Panera we set up a time for us to hang out weekly. She wanted to hang out with me. She offered. She assured me that she wanted to, and that she needed it as much as I do.
I am so humbled. I would have sworn to anyone that there just wasn't enough time for her to meet with me every week. But God made it happen. Hopefully God will use me to help her too. As soon as Aimee left, I thought, "God... thank you... I was not looking forward to having to be patient again."
Its funny, in the absence of Keith, I don't want what I thought I would. I thought I would want attention from boys, someone to tell me I'm beautiful, someone to give me a strong hug. But I'm not the girl I once was. My heart is changing. God is molding it. My desire is to be with people who will make me closer to God. Right now, that is the desire for relationships with other women. And just like that, God knew. I'm excited for the next weeks. I still miss Keith. My heart still feels broken. But today God gave me a little glimpse of the growth He has planned for my heart. A little glimpse that was, of course, the exact amount of joy I needed to feel joyful again.
I'm exhausted... but joyful... finally! : )
1 comment:
Apology accepted! : )
It's Adam. You know at least two of us are reading then because I didn't leave the comment on the other entry! I'm glad today helped so much. You know I'm praying for you guys for God's will to be accomplished with you both, no matter what that is.
I'm really proud of you, can't stress that enough, and I'm really excited that you were encouraged so much today. I'm sorry for struggling as a friend lately. But we've been over that. Hope you're keeping up with your goal!
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